Episode 16: I'm the boss

Sitting at home in my little house in St. Leonards-on-Sea, I had this romantic notion of how owning and running my own business would be. I would soon be working only 5 hours a week, be driving a swanky Renault Twingo and going to all the best clubs with oiled up muscle boys on my arm. Sadly, the only one of those that has come true is the last one, but one has to take whatever comfort one can in these time of crisis. The truth is, the reality is much harder than the notion.......and those boys don't come cheap!

Have you noticed that wherever you are in the room,
the nipples on the front row all seem to be looking at you?

We've had
to sell my father-in-law
in order to buy this

Of course, I knew that this would be the case when I was considering leaving the bosom of the NHS; that's the bit about the reality being harder, rather than muscle boys being expensive, just in case you were wondering! I knew that the hours would be VERY long and arduous and that I'd never get any knitting done as I'd be slaving over a hot class from dawn ´til dusk. I knew that money would be tight and I knew that I needed to change my underarm deodorant, as people had started passing out in my wake. Incidentally, the deodorant I like is SO expensive here that we bought loads of it when we came to the UK for the New Year. When friends asked us if we'd bought anything nice whilst at the sales, we pointed out the deal Boots had and presented them with a hundredweight of spray and stick deodorants. It pleased me though, so get over it!


Setting up the school was hilarious. Well, sort of hilarious. I mentioned a lot of that back in Episode10: 'Back to (the other) school', but what I didn't mention was what happened after the initial set-up and our many, MANY trips to Ikea. The answer.......? Nothing much! We started with a few clients and weren't making enough money to cover my chocolate habit, let alone the rent on the place. I went to my Spanish lessons in the morning, then would go out for coffee with the lovely girls in my class and afterwards, drive over to the school where José was waiting for me to make his lunch. Then I'd sit on the computer - not literally you understand - play on Farmville, read the newspapers, download stuff from iTunes, listen to music and generally lounge about doing very little until he had finished his last lesson of the day. Then we would go home. Apart from the fact we weren't earning very much, it was a reasonably idyllic lifestyle and I quite enjoyed this self-employment lark.


So, trust some nosey bugger to go and put a spanner in the works! They suggested an online company called 'Let's Bonus', which is a sort of perpetual sale (or REBAJAS - you've not had a Spanish lesson for a while) for posh people. It sells things that the common-or-garden pleb wouldn't really need or couldn't afford, at a very reduced price. Anyone fancy a two-week welding and cupcake decorating holiday in Uzbekistan in November? Sure, the price is significantly reduced, but these holidays pile the extras on once you've bought them. The holiday costs about €2,50 on the website instead of the "regular price" of €1500, but that's only for the accommodation. With flights, airport taxes, hotel transfers and the hire of your own welding kit and icing bag, it comes in at - you've guessed it - €1500 per person. A bargain!!! But that's what they do; they hook the unsuspecting punter in and once they've taken the bait, slap 'em with a load more costs. We looked at it and decided that was a business plan we could adopt and so we decided to advertise our Conversation Classes on there. 

Belén Esteban 
TV presenter; Mother;
Jeremy Kyle wannabe; Media Whore

Oh! My! Goodness! We sold 78 of the damn things and I've been working like a Victorian child up a factory chimney ever since. So much for the 'fun' element of self-employment! I set to work designing databases, spreadsheets and all manner of things that we would need in the school. José needed training in the way I do things (the correct way!) and he soon learned that there is only one way to do things.......There are people reading this now, friends I used to work with, who are smiling and nodding, remembering my obsessional traits and possibly shedding a little tear at how much they miss my spreadsheets. The one joy is I can do whatever I want with them. I've got no-one asking for how long a person has been on the caseload or whether or not the staff member had one, two or three pees during the day, I can put on what I like! Inside leg measurement, whether or not they like Belén Esteban, or if they've ever used their Auntie Sylvie's wig as a table centrepiece......well, the lights were low and everyone thought it was a new exotic breed of Venus fly trap, owing to the fact that it moved of its own accord!


The lack of money is an interesting thing. I'm very partial to money and rather liked being paid each month from the NHS. I have to say that is the one thing I do miss about it. If I could persuade my old Trust to keep paying me as a nod to the 21 years of loyal service I gave it whilst not actually doing anything there, that would be a happy medium. The NHS are renowned for wasting money and I was rather hoping that they would waste some in my direction, but it wasn't to be. So, I've learned to be frugal, which is a word I was so unfamiliar with that I had to look it up in the dictionary. We've taken to buying the 'Basic' brand of some things in a well known supermarket as some things taste just as nice and cost half the price. Mind you, I won't let José take it out of the shop in a see through bag. It has to be at least double-bagged so that no-one knows I'm actually poor. We've also stopped buying some things that we never really used such as gulls eggs, kohlrabi, and Tena Lady. 

Kohlrabi - lovely with faggots and chips, but now a luxury

Since we did the first Bonus and it was so successful, we decided to do another one for a Holiday English course we're running, which was also very successful and which created even more work for me. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, but this 'all-or-nothing' culture is a little too much and I threatened revolt, so José bought me a lovely nasal hair trimmer to cheer me up.


Some days I leave home at 8.10am and don't get home until nearly 10pm. I'm not used to it. My poor frail body can't cope and I have to eat a Kit-Kat at regular intervals throughout the day to sustain me. Plus I'm no longer sitting on reception just doing my nails. Guess who is taking most of the conversation classes? Mind you, they're easy-peasy. I mean, hands up who would like to get paid for sitting around and talking all day?? I give them a few phrases they've never heard of ("eeh, bah 'eck Ma it's a bit parky in 'ere!"), explain what it means and they go away happy as Larry (or Luis, as they would say here). The best thing of all is..........and are you reading this carefully, my lovely nurse friends.......? There are no bloody notes to write up afterwards!!! No care plans! No eCPA. Nothing! I just kick 'em out of the front door and bugger off home myself. Sometimes I have to pinch myself because I think I'm dreaming.

Even the bloody dog
won more than I did!

That said, sitting on reception can be very interesting. We're on the second floor of this building and on the first floor is a hairdressers. The smell of the various solutions has seeped into my little grey cells, turning them into little blue-rinsed cells, basically buggering them up. I think it's making me paranoid. Upstairs is a dog and his bed is obviously right over where I sit. All day I can hear this beast scratching the floor and at first I thought it was really sweet, if a little annoying. I'm now convinced that he's doing something approaching a thousand lottery scratchcards a day. How do I know?? Well, every so often he lets out a little yelp, which obviously means he's won something.  You see, I'm not that mad after all, no matter what José says. 


I know it's been a little longer than usual between blogs this time and it may be that way for a little time to come, as we're so busy these days. I've managed to write this one as we still have the afternoon free on Wednesdays, although that luxury is also about to come to an end, but I really don't blame José at all for that. Not one jot!! No no no no no no!! I will keep writing them though as life here is still as strange as it ever was. I guess I just don't notice it as much these days, the impact of which is a little too scary to objectively contemplate.

..........and we'll sell
my mother-in-law in order to afford this!!

One final word: The only time I ever think of the NHS these days is when I write this thing or when I talk to my friends in Hastings. I did both recently and discovered that my old post has finally been filled, so huge congratulations to Rob who stepped into my slingbacks in a substantive post a couple of weeks ago. I'm sure that he'll buy a drink for anyone who asks him by way of celebration. Mine's a G&T. Large! And none of that cheap 'Basic' brand muck neither!