Episode 20: Life is not a bleedin' rollercoaster

Anyone who says that running a business is easy should be shot. I would have absolutely no qualms about helping them onto the Paradise Express, First Class ticket and all; because it's not! Easy, that is. 

Don't get me wrong. I think I mentioned before that I was under no illusion running my own business would be 'un paseo por el parque' (that's 'a walk in the park' - I thought I would progress to a small idiom this week as you've all been doing so well!) I didn't think that King Juan Carlos and I (or JC as I call him, because it gives him religious delusions) would be sitting down to toast and tea every couple of weeks, whilst the school virtually ran itself. I was ready for the hard work, but the one thing I really wasn't ready for was the disappointment factor. That was possibly the most difficult thing to bear.

Meryl Streep is now in talks to
portray the comedy legend that
was Hylda Baker. 
Possibly

Many of you lovely people know that José and I did not decide to open a school of English because we love people. We don't. In fact, there are days when I can't stand the bloody sight of another one, but I stick to Margaret Thatcher's mantra for when she was meeting groups of world leaders; "teeth and tits dear, teeth and tits". And so, as another group of Conversation English people trudge up the stairs to our little learning Stalag, I pop my teeth in, puff my chest out and turn into the professional what I am. Come to think of it, it could have been Hylda Baker and not Maggie T. But you catch my drift!

Bob The Builder, with his hard
hat & waving his big tool about

In fact, we initially thought of doing up houses here. Despite a recession, small houses were selling, mainly to overseas buyers and so we thought this would be a good way forward. Cue thoughts of hard hats, big tools and enough sweaty, sinewy workmen in tight vests to staff an entire Gay Pride parade. Then we decided we would show ourselves up to be the couple of old leches we obviously are and thought better of it.


The other thought we had, which is far more us, was a small English tearoom. I rather fancied buttering some old Spanish matron's crumpets for her, whilst sharing the latest gossip about HRH Kate, courtesy of 'Hello' magazine. This was right up there as our main choice, until one fateful day, José met with the (now 'ex') Principal of the Sussex Coast College in Hastings (SCCH). He asked José to think about opening up a school of English. Like all men, he promised him the earth, but like most men, it was a two minute wonder. He suffered from Premature Eviction and was ousted from the college just before Christmas last year, having fallen on his sword over some Ofsted scandal.

When I play my Bay City Rollers CD,
my pussy goes mad

We fell for it though, hook, line and sink-plug. As you will see from our wonderful (ahem!) website, www.thenewschoolofenglish.com (does anyone know anyone who would like to write us a new Word Press website for about £20, let me know!), it clearly states that we are in collaboration with SCCH. We-e-e-e-e-e-ell, we are in contact with them by email. And very nice they are too. Georgina is being chatted up with Derek in IT and thinks she might like to go out with him, but won't let him get to second base on a first date because she's thinking of wearing a linen blouse and you know how badly they crease. Amy thinks her cat has mental health problems because it goes into a frenzy every time she plays her Bay City Rollers CD's and Ron has had his ingrowing toenail removed last week and is relying on mother to do everything for him at the moment. All very lovely, but it doesn't help us one little iota. Since July we have been asking for publicity materials in order that we can advertise the International Baccalaureate here in Spain, but as yet, we have received nothing. Nada! There are other issues, but I won't bother you with them. The point is, we are not able to fulfil our full earning potential at the moment and that is SO frustrating.


Then there are the Bonuses. Again, at the risk of repeating myself because I can't think of anything new to write, I have mentioned the Bonuses before, but because I can't think of anything new to write, I will mention them again. We work with a site called Let's Bonus, which is similar to Groupon in the UK, should anyone know anything of them. Basically, companies offer stuff at a very reduced price and the great Spanish public buy it online. We then spend the next xxx number of weeks and months fending them off, as they try to get something for nothing. When their Bonus is over (and it's up to us on the promotion how long it lasts), they have to pay the full price if they decide to stay. We've quickly learned that not as many decide to stay as we would like, which means that we slog our guts out for weeks on end for little reward and then they bugger off.


Naïvely, we thought that once we'd hooked them in, they would be so grateful to us for the hard work we put into our lessons, they would want to stay with us. How wrong we were. Some have stayed and to those people we say this. We love you. In fact, we love you long time!!! Anytime you want to come and use us sexually, you are most welcome. (I mean, there are a couple of right munters in there, but needs must). Mere words cannot convey our gratitude to these lovely people.

Our lowest point came about three weeks ago. We ran a Holiday English course through the Let's Bonus site and thought we had learned the lessons of our previous promotion. This course is for three months, so the first month was significantly reduced and the other two were at full price. It was very clear in the promotional ad that people buying the first cheap month needed to complete the whole course and we also made sure we repeated this to everyone when they started. They all nodded their understanding and agreement and the 14 people who came were all good to go. Three weeks ago, the end of the first month was up and one by one, nearly every single bloody one of them walked out and said they weren't coming back. Only two people stayed. The same week we lost several other people who were at the end of their Conversation Class Bonus and who also left. Our projections for who would stay were massively reduced and we were bereft.

Dear Ronan. Life is not a bloody
rollercoaster. you pillock. Mark x

Now, let me get one thing straight. This is not an emotional rollercoaster and NEVER will be. I loathe that expression. If I hear one more person on the TV mention that "it's been an emotional rollercoaster", I will not be responsible for my actions. Some things just get my goat, like Chico in "Dancing on Ice", my current Spanish teacher and having to clip my toenails every so often. This expression just happens to be on that list. 


No, what it is, is a bleedin' nightmare (and that's the clean version). Sitting there watching as next month's money walks out the door, never to come back is soul destroying; especially when we've put so much effort into working with them and their wallets in the first place.


Driving home this Monday night, José and I talked about a worst case scenario. Interestingly, we are still bringing in more money than last month and our client base is building, but it's slowed down and there is going to be a point where growth needs to speed up a little or we will have to rethink our whole operation here. In the car, we decided that we could continue, but we may have to rent somewhere a little less central in order to reduce overheads etc. It could be done. Feeling a little buoyed, we went home and cheered ourselves up by looking at common people on the TV via "My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding".

Calling Gloriiiaaaaaaaaaaaa

What a difference a day makes! On Tuesday, after my Spanish class with the Oberleutnant María, I found several emails on my iPhone from people who wanted to come to the school, which surprised me. The thing is, last week, we sent another Let's Bonus promotion through. The woman we deal with from the company (Gloria) always tells us when a Bonus is about to run, but this time she didn't, so it came as quite a shock. My idea was that, as we have lots of classes with just one person in, José was already working hard so we may as well make more money from him by putting more people into each of these classes. And these are classes that people want to stay in. They are classes where people study for quite a long time, either for some certificate or other or because they want to learn the language and need the time to do so. In other words, classes that cost money; money that José and me are happy to take off them without having to rifle through their jacket pockets in the coat rack.

My Facebook update for the (Tues)day was "I'm speechless" and for once, I was. The day before, we were considering the possibilities for an exit strategy, should one be needed. Today, we are knee deep (or in José's case, waist deep as he's only 5'6½" tall!) in new students, with more on the way. We had hoped for about 8 or 10 students. We got 37! I'm not on a rollercoaster but Monday night was certainly the Ghost Train and today, I appear to have moved to the Fun House. Goodness knows what tomorrow will bring but right now, I'm off to butter my own crumpets.