Episode 21: Coming of Age

This is just another excuse to print
a further picture of the fabulous
Hylda Baker

So, we've established the fact that we´re not on a rollercoaster and we've also established the fact that Hylda Baker was a comedy legend (just checking to see if you were concentrating!). Now it's time for an update.


After the ups and downs of the last blog, several people wrote to me to say how they´d been concerned at how the lovely José and me had been feeling and offered all sorts of help from putting us in touch with people to food parcels of marmite and pigs trotters, although not together you understand. I have to say that we were so touched that so many people took the time out to write and if I've not written back to you, then please accept this mention as massive thanks from us both. To those of you who didn't write, why not? Can't you see we were in emotional and financial pain here? I mean, the world´s economies may be in crisis, but surely you could spare us a couple of coppers? Tight buggers!

José's favourite, the tried and tested
Vaca 102c, 2009 model

Anyway, the Bonus company contacted us to say that the last offer had gone so well that they were going to repeat it on the following Monday, which was an even bigger shock - especially to José who has to teach all of these people. And quite frankly, with all this extra paperwork to process, these nails won't file themselves. Well, we decided that we would allow it to go ahead and in the end we only bagged another 7 people, making the grand total of 44, which was fine. I really shudder to think what could have happened if we'd managed another 37. We could have been the world's first 24 hour English school. Well, all the business books tell you to have a Unique Selling Point, although they don't mention if the use of a cattle prod on barely awake students at 3.30am is acceptable.

Get a room boys!

Bonus over, the great Spanish unwashed started to contact us.........and trust me, in the warm weather we've been having, some Spaniards have been so unwashed they have their own eco system. Thankfully, our students (so far) appear to be a fragrant bunch, because quite frankly, you wouldn't want to be hammering home a tricky collocation downwind of a putrid armpit.


The other chance we took on the weekend before the Bonus came out was an advertisement in the local newspaper, La Voz de Galicia ("The Voice of Galicia"), which is an easy lesson this week as I can't be arsed! We were advertising for nurses; not because we're ill and in need, but because we want to teach them English in order that they can leave the country and work in the UK. This is actually all part of a master plan to empty Spain. Nurses first and then next year, we are going to start on Steeplejacks, jockeys and the woman who irons the blouses for the 9 o´clock newscasters.


At the time of the advertisement, we didn't have two spare Euro's to scratch our collective arses with, as one of our customers still hadn't paid us. It seems that it is a crime and/or a sin to mention money to people who are buying a service here in Spain. They can come and have lessons, but if I am to remind them of the fact that they need to pay us, it's slightly more shocking than if I peed up the Pope's frock live on national TV. And it's always the ones with the money who wait as long as possible to pay. Anyway, money eventually came in and a week later, we risked it all on this advert.

Places are still available

Result!!! We wanted three nurses from the ad and in fact, we have had four pay us in advance, with the possibility of another one or two before the course starts on 16th April. I don't look at them as nurses though, I look at them as €xx per month for the duration of the course, which is 8 months. Whoo hoo!!


It's amazing just how much one's vision changes when owning a business. There is now no such thing as a person. Everyone who walks through the door is money in our account and the possibility of food on the table. Being British though, I do like to maintain the class system, which works as such;


3 - 5 hours of lessons a week elicits a cheery good morning/afternoon, the offer of a hot or cold drink, a little conversation about the state of the weather/economy and a kiss/handshake at the end of the week when wishing them a nice weekend.


2 hours of lessons a week elicits a nice good morning, although this tails off a little if they come later in the day and by 8pm, I may just grunt. I'll make them a hot drink (but only if I've just made one myself) and I will chat to them about what I want to talk about; for example how bad Julian Fellowes "Titanic" adaptation was, who will be the next to be thrown off The Apprentice and whether or not George Alagiah should ever wear a purple tie with a blue shirt. If they have brought me something in the week (for instance, one girl brought us cupcakes this week), then they get a kiss/handshake, but if nothing is forthcoming, they get nada

Coffee and a little message
from the management

1 hour a week elicits no more than a nodded acknowledgement that they have arrived. If they want a drink, I mean really want a drink, I put the kettle on and ask them to make it themselves and I get out the instant coffee we don't like (it looks like Gold Blend and tastes like gold paint). The only talking is "sit there and he won't be long" and I certainly don't touch them. Ever!


So, things started to change a little and then the most amazing thing happened.......someone from the newspaper contacted José to say that they had seen our ad in the newspaper and wanted to interview him for a piece about the school. The following day he set up a telephone interview in which he gave them chapter and verse about what we do, the courses we run and why people should come to us rather than anyone else, all without using the word 'desperate'. The crucial word in this equation is free. This was free publicity and it made sure that the money we had spent on the ad was stunning value. Neither of us could believe our luck. He did consider hiring security as he was convinced that the public would be beating a path to our door after reading this, but it was so expensive. One big burly bouncer was €80 per hour, €95 if they had a criminal record. Even the cheapest little old lady with a lethal umbrella was €35 and she wasn't even the full hour, as she was on diuretics and had to have a toilet break every 30 minutes. As luck would have it, nothing happened and so we bought two chocolate & vanilla muffins instead.

I don't understand a bloody word of it, but apparently it means that our school is dead good!!!

Other sandwich fillings are available

Next week is Semana Santa here in Spain, which is Easter Week. There are places that are open, but no-one can be bothered to work. You will get served, but with more of a snarl than usual, as so many places close down for the week. We have taken the opportunity to close the school and have been given a further opportunity to use someone's villa for the week in the south of Spain. Tomorrow, we're off - egg sandwiches in hand - to a little hotel just south of Madrid, before completing the journey the following day. It's a working holiday as we're developing some online courses, but given the choice of working at home or sitting in the sunshine by our own pool, there wasn't much whirring and clanking of the little grey cells required to come to that decision


Well, it's time for me to go and pack my suitcase and get ready for our jaunt to the south, as it's a quarter past......ooh, I must get a little hand put on this watch!


Buena Semana Santa a todos
xxxx